As a therapist and I suppose just as a human it makes me sad that the phrase self-care has become so cringe, but I totally get why it has. It's become the auto response from management in practically every field I hear about when anyone voices they are overworked or burnt out. As if a spa day or a little yoga sesh that we actually can't afford anyways in this economy will completely ameliorate the problems that come with poor management, under-staffing, inadequate pay, and egregious expectations of employees. Late stage capitalism also brings us the look at me culture via social media which really drives social competition and has been doing a number on feeling good enough. We all (well most of us) feel that pressure to be so happy, have the Pinterest perfect home, see all the sights, know all the things, and be the best version of ourselves in every role we play. Talk about exhausting. But self-care isn't just about massages and meditation, or buying that thing that's gonna make us feel better, and actually sometimes can be sort of hard work.
Surprise! It's Having Boundaries!
Yeaaaaaahh I had to say it. Maybe you're tired of hearing this word too like many of my clients and folks in my personal life, BUT, like a good therapist, I encourage you to sit with those feelings and explore them [insert smug smiley face here]. Brene Brown has an amazing little clip about resentment in one of her Instagram reels that was perhaps from a Ted Talk about its purpose. She explains that resentment is actually a form of anger that we subconsciously direct at ourselves (but externally project onto the subject of our resentment) for failing to set a boundary where we wished we would have. When we see other people do it, we resent them. Resentment is a key stepping stone to burnout and other emotional struggles like anxiety and depression.
Work
We resent our bosses for giving us too much work, not paying us enough, and not caring how tired we are. It is important here to acknowledge that setting boundaries in the work place is scary and challenging, and most people don't have the luxury of just going from job to job when our employers don't meet our needs. But with all of that said, boundary setting is an important form of self-care in the work place and there are many ways to do it.
Work only your designated hours and avoid overtime (especially if you are salaried). The 40 hour work week doesn't actually account for preparatory and commute time, time spent at home thinking about work, and the fact that breaks are often still taken in your actual place of work. So really there is no need for any more time at work if you want to be a well-balanced person (and we all want to be well balanced to help mitigate mental health issues). Going over 40 hours ensures that you are either chipping away at sleep time or personal time (which includes family time, friend time, hobby time, self maintenance time, and chill time), both of which are important for your mental health. You may not be surprised after that parenthetical statement to hear me say I actually don't even believe in a 40 hour work week. More on that another time.
Take breaks, science proves they reduce stress levels and help the brain focus better.
Be honest when you are feeling overwhelmed and ask for help when needed, this can include deadline extensions where feasible, delegation of tasks, and peer or supervisory support with skill refinement.
Do not take on extra work unless you really have the time for it, no people pleasing! Remember that your job does not define you and there is more to life than just work.
Social
Resentment loves this current culture of people pleasing and perfectionism. Whether we are trying to be literally the world's best friend or partner, or just trying to hold on tight to love, we are doing it by way of not having boundaries. Parents want to be the cool parent, fun parent, and friend; significant others want to be chill and low maintenance or not hurt feelings; friends want to be supportive and reliable; and employees want that raise, promotion, or recognition for their resume or the legacy. Sure, these may be sweeping generalizations, but I see it all in my work.
The reality is, these sorts of decisions to keep the peace or be the best typically tend to backfire and create resentment. Healthy and lasting relationships actually thrive off of good boundaries in which both parties have respect for their own needs and feelings as well as those of the other. When we can realize that we deserve to have good relationships just because we exist, we no longer have to sacrifice or showcase ourselves to win the hearts of others. We can make decisions that honor what is best for us and trust that the relationship will still be there because the other person does the same for themselves and understands how important that is.
To Consider
We can also have boundaries with ourselves and improve discipline and self-trust, but that is a topic for another time. For now let's just start with these to main areas in which many people can benefit from boundary setting to improve how life feels. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect just because you exist. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Work to live and live a life worth living. Make sure it's a life for you first and for most.
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